Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
