I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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