This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
