Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
