listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
