im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
All I want is dick and wine.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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