I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
