It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
