Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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