Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
