Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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