I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I want a musical about memes.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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