I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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