Already got asked if we're dating
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
