I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize