I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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