my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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