Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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