: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
