Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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