i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
