i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
