____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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