we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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