I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
