Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
