I'm pants shitting drunk right now
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
