on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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