and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
