I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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