I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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