Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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