god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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