I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
We need to rekindle our bromance
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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