I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
