I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
