Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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