You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
