I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
