My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
