.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
