He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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