ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
