I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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