he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
