I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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