Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
