You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
