I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
