you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
