Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
