just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
