If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
