just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
