Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
