he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Can you bring me the toilet please
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
