So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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